Life is a joke that's just begun ...

"Darling ... we're  out  of  milk.  Do  you  mind if  I use  the car  to  pop  out  to get some.  I'll  probably go to the shop, but I'll see  if  I can  bump  into  the  Milkman  on the  way."

Report No.9 ... The race will start from outside Marks and Spencers Lingerie Department. Seats will be provided for gentlemen.

See previous post ...

More later ...

Report No.8 ... The Doubledee Cup began in 1799 (or was it 1997? ... I always get those two mixed up) when Sir Francis Doubledee single-handedly sailed non-stop round Basingstoke in a home-made go-kart.

He reputedly spent most of his time rowing naked (a la James Crackpot and Ben Feeble) to prevent chafing. Chafing had become a problem due to the fact that his craft was constructed almost entirely from re-cycled fence panels taken (illegally) from Basingstoke Municipal Dump.

During his histeric voyage, Sir Francis spent much of his time in The Doldrums, a sleazy boozer behind B&Q, after which, in his own words " he nearly cipsazed rinding the Cope of Good Hape".

He was welcomed home by a crowd of several Basingstokians who had turned out of Mothercare following a fire drill. His exploits were fully reported on page 3 of the Sun newspaper, but failed to catch the public's attention.

He died a pauper, having twice won the lottery in one week and in a state of intoxication entered Basingstoke Casino and put £7,354,786.43 on Green.

This year BRAS (Basingstoke Residents Association (South)) is reviving the competition for the Doubledee Cup. Entrants must be over 18 months. Bring your own sou'wester. Emergency flares provided. All go-karts must have a valid MOT certificate and insurance cover for Public Indecency.

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Report No.7 ... I just popped out to see old Mr Elgin (I told you he was losing his marbles). His artificial leg has developed housemaids knee so he can't get out much, but he's still determinded to organise the Basingstoke Residents Association St. Valentines Disco.

Mr Elgin, bless!, wants to have live music and showed me a list of artists he likes. He was so cut up when I broke the news to him about Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper. My wireless hasn't been working for a while he sobbed.

I suddenly noticed he had today's copy of "Variety" propping up the leg of the coffee table. I excitedly pulled it out, and ignoring the upset cups and the tea dripping on Scruffy the cat, we started thumbing through the pages looking for live bands.

What about those new lads, "The Coaches", said Mr Elgin. No I said, they're on tour. The "White Lions"? Too middle of the road. "The Cars"? Mostly into garage these days. Hey!, what about "Titanic", they should go down well! No, I cry every time I hear 'Abide with me'. "The Prodigals"? Maybe, I hear they're making a come-back ...

We went on like this into the wee small hours of tea-time when Meals-on-Wheels arrived to sponge Mr Elgin down, change his bag and give him his dinner. He offered to share it with me but they only had one straw.

As I put on my cycle clips at Mr Elgin's front gate I felt confident that the BRAS St Valentines Disco would be a rip-roaring success.

More later ...

Report No.6 ... The phone has been ringing all day with Basingstoke residents giving me new items for tonight's agenda. I keep telling them I have this Norovirus sickness and might not go to the meeting, but they still want me to bring things up!

Someone reported that work has come to a halt, yet again, on the new B&Q DIY store on the edge of town. Apparently when the workmen opened the box to start putting up the new building they found several bits missing!

Another asked about the mystery buyer who has put in a planning application to build a turkey farm between our two churches, St Bernards and St Mathews. The applicants strongest case seems to be that "Basingstoke needs more turkeys". The Residents Committee think that's a poultry excuse!

Bill Stickers, from Getchrone Way, just told me that posters are going up all over town advertising a bare-knuckle wrestling match between "Crusher" Grape and "Mighty" Dewitt. I assured him the Basingstoke Residents Association South (BRAS)are totally opposed to violence of any sort and will fight to the death to have this match stopped.

More later ...