http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/(The Mikado - Act 1) I do have serious Blogs too ... try clicking on these GRUMPUS or A Real East Enderen-EUMokoFeed10http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/66/bb5e1f87a625fa541b2ef09ce49486_160x200.jpghttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2009/03/30/debt-help-for-them-as-elps-emselves-5858701/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2009-03-30:/2009/03/30/debt-help-for-them-as-elps-emselves-5858701/Mon, 30 Mar 2009 12:33:02 +0200 <p>My nephew Boris was in the pub last night with his mates Alfie and Spider.<br> "Your round" says Alfie.<br> "I'm skint" says Boris, "That new credit card really messed me up. I didn't realise you had to pay full price for everythink. I thought 23% APR was the discount you got on stuff you bought."<br> "So did I," says Spider. Alfie turns pale.<br> "I'm fousands in debt now," Boris continues, "the Benefits Office said I need insolvency help. I told 'em I don't sniff glue any more."<br> "If you got money troubles, or you're in debt and need help, you can get one of them Involuntary Contribution Loans, can't you?" says Alfie ordering a drink for himself.<br> "That's IVA," says Harry the barman putting a pint on the bar.<br> "Oi! I ordered lager!" says Alfie.<br> "No! IVA!" says Harry, "It means Individual Voluntary Arrangement. You add up all your debts and offer to pay off a bit a week."<br> "But that's only for mortgages and car loans, innit?" says Boris. "I live wiv my mum so I'm rent free, and I bought my car on the never-never. Never told 'em where I lived and never paid for it!"<br> "You need a financial advisor to help you work out a IVA." says Harry. Try Mr Goldstein who runs the Pawn Shop across the way."<br> "I can't go in there!" says Boris.<br> "Why not?" someone asks.<br> "I cheated him once." says Boris, "I once pawned my mum's engagement ring, and never went back for it!"<br> "You know whose fault all this credit crunch is, don't you?" says Spider.<br> They all wait for him to say.<br> "That Gordon Brown!"<br> "Which one's he?" growls Boris, clenching his fists and looking round the pub menacingly.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2009/03/30/debt-help-for-them-as-elps-emselves-5858701/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>moneyeconomymannersentertainmenthttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2009/03/30/debt-help-for-them-as-elps-emselves-5858701/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/12/12/grin-and-bear-it-5210253/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-12-12:/2008/12/12/grin-and-bear-it-5210253/Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:01:38 +0100 <p>Frank, a young American, was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting in Montana. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices … Either I maul you to death or we have sex."</p> <p>After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.</p> <p>He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.</p> <p>Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/12/12/grin-and-bear-it-5210253/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmenthttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/12/12/grin-and-bear-it-5210253/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/where-did-the-white-man-go-wrong-5167257/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-12-05:/2008/12/05/where-did-the-white-man-go-wrong-5167257/Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:37:00 +0100 <p>WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/indian/3042677" title="indian"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/677/3042677_01713cdb75_s.jpg" alt="indian" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>American Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white TV reporter, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."</p> <p>The Chief nodded in agreement. </p> <p>The journalist continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" </p> <p>The Chief stared at the young reporter for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man came to America, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex." </p> <p>Then the wise old Indian Chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/where-did-the-white-man-go-wrong-5167257/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/where-did-the-white-man-go-wrong-5167257/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/11/02/jonathan-ross-telephone-number-4971326/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-11-02:/2008/11/02/jonathan-ross-telephone-number-4971326/Sun, 02 Nov 2008 18:18:46 +0100 <p><i>Jonathan Ross is now in great lumber,<br> Because I've got his telephone number,<br> And I'm going to keep ringing,<br> With the effing, and the singing,<br> And the shouting, disturbing his slumber!</p> <p>I'll keep making childish, lewd calls.<br> I'll remark on the size of his balls.<br> How I slept with his wife.<br> How she hates her sex-life.<br> How she laughs when he goes limp and stalls!</p> <p>And I'll tell him his BBC boss,<br> Realises he's now a dead loss.<br> And without any doubt,<br> They should just chuck him out,<br> And Licence Payers won't give a toss!</p> <p>And I'll tell him he just isn't funny.<br> And he's certainly not worth that money.<br> So be a MAN Ross and GO!<br> And as for your "show"<br> I'd flush that heap of crap down the dunny!!</i></p> <p>Anyone want the number? We could all 'ave a right larf keep ringin' 'im up and slaggin' off 'is kids an' that, innit?!<br> Us yoof of today gotta be "EDGY", innit!!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/11/02/jonathan-ross-telephone-number-4971326/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmenthttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/11/02/jonathan-ross-telephone-number-4971326/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/06/25/true-love-unconditional-and-unselfish-4362610/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-06-25:/2008/06/25/true-love-unconditional-and-unselfish-4362610/Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:42:22 +0200 <p>An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all<br> of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?" </p> <p>Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. </p> <p>Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons"<br> Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.<br> Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" </p> <p>Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that You saved our home, but what about the second time?" </p> <p>Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." </p> <p>I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." </p> <p> "Alright", Martha said. </p> <p>"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/06/25/true-love-unconditional-and-unselfish-4362610/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>peoplewomenlifeentertainmentold-agehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/06/25/true-love-unconditional-and-unselfish-4362610/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/title-4173764/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-05-14:/2008/05/14/title-4173764/Wed, 14 May 2008 17:17:27 +0200 <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/201/2527201_50bc2676f0_m.jpeg" alt="carbefore" hspace="5" vspace="5"></p> <p><strong>"Darling ... we're  out  of  milk.  Do  you  mind if  I use  the car  to  pop  out  to get some.  I'll  probably go to the shop, but I'll see  if  I can  bump  into  the  Milkman  on the  way."</p> <p>"Right-ho,  Sweetheart ... drive carefully."</p> <p>"I will Darling ...</p> <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/202/2527202_88ff302574_m.jpeg" alt="carafter" hspace="5" vspace="5"></strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/title-4173764/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentdrivinglifepeoplewomenhttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/title-4173764/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/bras_the_doubledee_cup_more~3584623/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-16:/2008/01/16/bras_the_doubledee_cup_more~3584623/Wed, 16 Jan 2008 10:54:24 +0100 <p>Report No.9 ... The race will start from outside Marks and Spencers Lingerie Department. Seats will be provided for gentlemen.</p> <p>See previous post ...</p> <p>More later ... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/bras_the_doubledee_cup_more~3584623/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeentertainmentpeoplehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/bras_the_doubledee_cup_more~3584623/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/bras_the_doubledee_cup~3584380/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-16:/2008/01/16/bras_the_doubledee_cup~3584380/Wed, 16 Jan 2008 09:57:29 +0100 <p>Report No.8 ... The Doubledee Cup began in 1799 (or was it 1997? ... I always get those two mixed up) when Sir Francis Doubledee single-handedly sailed non-stop round Basingstoke in a home-made go-kart.</p> <p>He reputedly spent most of his time rowing naked (a la James Crackpot and Ben Feeble) to prevent chafing. Chafing had become a problem due to the fact that his craft was constructed almost entirely from re-cycled fence panels taken (illegally) from Basingstoke Municipal Dump.</p> <p>During his histeric voyage, Sir Francis spent much of his time in The Doldrums, a sleazy boozer behind B&Q, after which, in his own words " he nearly cipsazed rinding the Cope of Good Hape".</p> <p>He was welcomed home by a crowd of several Basingstokians who had turned out of Mothercare following a fire drill. His exploits were fully reported on page 3 of the Sun newspaper, but failed to catch the public's attention.</p> <p>He died a pauper, having twice won the lottery in one week and in a state of intoxication entered Basingstoke Casino and put £7,354,786.43 on Green.</p> <p>This year BRAS (Basingstoke Residents Association (South)) is reviving the competition for the Doubledee Cup. Entrants must be over 18 months. Bring your own sou'wester. Emergency flares provided. All go-karts must have a valid MOT certificate and insurance cover for Public Indecency.</p> <p>More later ... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/bras_the_doubledee_cup~3584380/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentlifecompetionspeopledrivinghttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/bras_the_doubledee_cup~3584380/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_i_just_popped_out~3581290/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-15:/2008/01/15/bras_i_just_popped_out~3581290/Tue, 15 Jan 2008 17:26:09 +0100 <p>Report No.7 ... I just popped out to see old Mr Elgin (I told you he was losing his marbles). His artificial leg has developed housemaids knee so he can't get out much, but he's still determinded to organise the Basingstoke Residents Association St. Valentines Disco.</p> <p>Mr Elgin, bless!, wants to have live music and showed me a list of artists he likes. He was so cut up when I broke the news to him about Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper. My wireless hasn't been working for a while he sobbed. </p> <p>I suddenly noticed he had today's copy of "Variety" propping up the leg of the coffee table. I excitedly pulled it out, and ignoring the upset cups and the tea dripping on Scruffy the cat, we started thumbing through the pages looking for live bands. </p> <p>What about those new lads, "The Coaches", said Mr Elgin. No I said, they're on tour. The "White Lions"? Too middle of the road. "The Cars"? Mostly into garage these days. Hey!, what about "Titanic", they should go down well! No, I cry every time I hear 'Abide with me'. "The Prodigals"? Maybe, I hear they're making a come-back ... </p> <p>We went on like this into the wee small hours of tea-time when Meals-on-Wheels arrived to sponge Mr Elgin down, change his bag and give him his dinner. He offered to share it with me but they only had one straw.</p> <p>As I put on my cycle clips at Mr Elgin's front gate I felt confident that the BRAS St Valentines Disco would be a rip-roaring success.</p> <p>More later ...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_i_just_popped_out~3581290/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>musiclifeentertainmentold-agepeoplehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_i_just_popped_out~3581290/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_may_not_be_on_tonight~3580126/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-15:/2008/01/15/bras_may_not_be_on_tonight~3580126/Tue, 15 Jan 2008 13:18:08 +0100 <p>Report No.6 ... The phone has been ringing all day with Basingstoke residents giving me new items for tonight's agenda. I keep telling them I have this Norovirus sickness and might not go to the meeting, but they still want me to bring things up!</p> <p>Someone reported that work has come to a halt, yet again, on the new B&Q DIY store on the edge of town. Apparently when the workmen opened the box to start putting up the new building they found several bits missing!</p> <p>Another asked about the mystery buyer who has put in a planning application to build a turkey farm between our two churches, St Bernards and St Mathews. The applicants strongest case seems to be that "Basingstoke needs more turkeys". The Residents Committee think that's a poultry excuse!</p> <p>Bill Stickers, from Getchrone Way, just told me that posters are going up all over town advertising a bare-knuckle wrestling match between "Crusher" Grape and "Mighty" Dewitt. I assured him the Basingstoke Residents Association South (BRAS)are totally opposed to violence of any sort and will fight to the death to have this match stopped.</p> <p>More later ... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_may_not_be_on_tonight~3580126/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentpeoplelifepoliticshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_may_not_be_on_tonight~3580126/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_hospital_news~3579000/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-15:/2008/01/15/bras_hospital_news~3579000/Tue, 15 Jan 2008 08:37:01 +0100 <p>Report No.5 ... Some tragic news. After last nights meeting of BRAS, Melody Singer and her boyfriend went for a bit of dogging in Basingstoke Woods. Coming home in the car down Longist Drive by the golf course they ran into an old friend. All three had to be cut from the wreckage and rushed to hospital. The two men later died, but Melody lingers on.</p> <p>Anyway, on a lighter note, Mrs Goatsbottom has been on the NHS waiting list<br> for two years for an emergency strapacoctomy. She is finally to go in next Tuesday for the operation at Basingstoke Home for Incurables, run by the Sisters of Murphy.Get well soon Mrs G!</p> <p>Finally the Committee members of Basingstoke Residents Association Southern<br> branch (BRAS) welcomes another new member, a german lady, Gerda Hell, who recently moved in to number 1239a Short Lane.</p> <p>More later ... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_hospital_news~3579000/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentpeopledrivingdoctorscarshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/bras_hospital_news~3579000/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_medical_concerns~3576874/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-14:/2008/01/14/bras_medical_concerns~3576874/Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:15:57 +0100 <p>Report No.4 ... An emergency meeting of BRAS (Basingstoke Residents Association Southern branch) has been called for tonight in Melody Singer's kitchen to discuss a matter of some concern to the health of the residents.</p> <p>There are rumours, as yet unconfirmed, of an outbreak of severe flatulence in North Basingstoke. Doctor Spatula, our local GP, has promised to let us know if he gets wind of anything.</p> <p>We are all looking forward to meeting another new committee member tonight.<br> Ida Down is manageress of Basingstoke Beds. I'm told she is a pillar of the community. </p> <p>On the fundraising side, Frank Lee-Speaking, another new member, has promised to donate the proceeds of the sale on eBay of all his autograph books including his most prized possession; a signed photograph of Homer Simpson.</p> <p>More later ...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_medical_concerns~3576874/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeentertainmentpeopledoctorshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_medical_concerns~3576874/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_pulling_together~3574573/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-14:/2008/01/14/bras_pulling_together~3574573/Mon, 14 Jan 2008 12:45:47 +0100 <p>Report No.3 ... Last night's meeting of BRAS (Basingstoke Residents Association Southern Branch) continued apace.</p> <p>Fundraising is going to be a constant issue and we must actively seek contributions from the residents. Arthur Scabtree, president of the B.U.M. (Basingstoke Union of Mineworkers), said he would encourage his members to dig deep.</p> <p>Someone suggested we should get permission from the Authorities to hold a Charity Kite Flying Competition on Basingstoke Common. Councillor Waugh said he would see if he could pull a few strings.</p> <p>Plans are already well under way for a Residents St. Valentines Disco. Mr Elgin (not got all his marbles, poor chap) has volunteered to run it. Some of us have reservations. He keeps referring to it as the St. Vitus Dance.</p> <p>The meeting ended abruptly when the Secretary, Hugh Jarce, announced he was leaving early to go to Fat Fighters. He didn't want to miss the post-Christmas weigh-in as it was always a good laugh!</p> <p>After he left there was much more room in Melody Singer's kitchen so we all relaxed for a while and she served up a light supper of baked bean sandwiches and peppermint tea.</p> <p>More later ... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_pulling_together~3574573/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>discolifeentertainmentpeoplehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_pulling_together~3574573/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_swelling_all_the_time~3573610/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-14:/2008/01/14/bras_swelling_all_the_time~3573610/Mon, 14 Jan 2008 08:38:56 +0100 <p>Report No. 2 ... The Basingstoke Residents Association Southern branch (BRAS)is still growing. Our ranks are swelling.</p> <p>At last night's meeting, several new members turned up. Of particular note was Mrs Shilpa Yamani. Mrs Yamani is one of the rich and famous Andover Yamanis, some of whose ancestors were highwaymen.</p> <p>The Yamanis came over from Arabia after the collapse of the sand castle market in '69. Shilpa's grandfather was Count Yamani, head of his country's Treasury Department and her great-grandfather was the benevolent Sheikh Yamani, who always had his hand in his pocket for charity.</p> <p>Two more new members were PC Applecart and his wife. PC Applecart is our local Community Bobby and Mrs Applecart is chair of the Keep Basingstoke Clean movement. We must all be careful not to upset the Applecarts!</p> <p>During the meeting there were reports of a large pot-hole opening up in the middle of the road in Losture Way. PC Applecart said he would look into it.</p> <p>More later ... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_swelling_all_the_time~3573610/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentdrivinglifepeoplehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/bras_swelling_all_the_time~3573610/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/my_life_since_i_got_into_bras~3572471/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-13:/2008/01/13/my_life_since_i_got_into_bras~3572471/Sun, 13 Jan 2008 22:39:18 +0100 <p>Report No.1 ... My first encounter with BRAS was very uplifting.<br> BRAS, or to give it its full name, Basingstoke Residents Association (South), was established early in 2008 by two of my neighbours in Letsby Avenue, Mrs Goatsbottom and Melody Singer.</p> <p>The association is growing daily and now has four members all of whom are on the committee.</p> <p>The aim of BRAS is to keep abreast of outstanding issues in the local community and support the residents of Basingstoke South, so long as they pay their subscriptions.</p> <p>Meetings take place on an ad hoc basis or Melody Singer's kitchen table whichever is available, and can get quite heated, especially if Ms Singer is boiling her partner's underpants on the gas stove at the time.</p> <p>Items on the agenda range from wheelie bin collections to dog nuisance.</p> <p>When it comes to dog mess, Mrs Goatsbottom, always puts her foot down.</p> <p>Mr Scumdudgeon, who lives at number 24, next to the Cockroach Sanctuary, has the biggest collection of wheelie bins this side of Cheltenham Spa. He acquired his first bin at the age of seven when he swapped the wing mirrors off his dad's Ford Anglia for it. Since then he's never looked back.</p> <p>More tomorrow ...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/my_life_since_i_got_into_bras~3572471/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifepeopleentertainmentnonsensehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/my_life_since_i_got_into_bras~3572471/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/the_national_joke_awards_2008_early_days~3570979/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-13:/2008/01/13/the_national_joke_awards_2008_early_days~3570979/Sun, 13 Jan 2008 17:38:04 +0100 <p>NOMINATED AS THE BEST SHORT JOKE THIS YEAR.......... </p> <p>A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while<br> taking a bath. </p> <p>"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" </p> <p>"Not yet" she replied </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/the_national_joke_awards_2008_early_days~3570979/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>kidslifewomenentertainmenthttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/the_national_joke_awards_2008_early_days~3570979/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/10/the_mile_high_club~3557066/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2008-01-10:/2008/01/10/the_mile_high_club~3557066/Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:58:43 +0100 <p>A man boarded a plane at Heathrow airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.</p> <p>He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"</p> <p>She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States "</p> <p>The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!</p> <p>Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"</p> <p>"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."</p> <p>"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"</p> <p>"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."</p> <p>Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"</p> <p>"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/10/the_mile_high_club~3557066/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifewomenpeopleentertainmenthttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2008/01/10/the_mile_high_club~3557066/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/11/27/at_last_the_truth_about_bloggers~3360013/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-11-27:/2007/11/27/at_last_the_truth_about_bloggers~3360013/Tue, 27 Nov 2007 16:22:32 +0100 <p>Great people talk about ideas</p> <p>Average people talk about things </p> <p>Small people talk about other people </p> <p>And legends, like us, never talk ... we just drink </p> <p><br><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/600/2174600_19d8cb142a_m.gif" alt="Don't talk ... Drink!" width="491" height="270"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/11/27/at_last_the_truth_about_bloggers~3360013/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>rantlifeentertainmentpeoplehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/11/27/at_last_the_truth_about_bloggers~3360013/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/11/08/job_interview_must_have_gsoh~3263216/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-11-08:/2007/11/08/job_interview_must_have_gsoh~3263216/Thu, 08 Nov 2007 09:17:18 +0100 <p>Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .</p> <p>The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the<br> tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job."</p> <p>Mujibar said, "I am ready."</p> <p>The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."</p> <p>Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"</p> <p>The manager said, "Go ahead."</p> <p>Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow ', this is Mujibar."</p> <p>Mujibar now works at a call centre.</p> <p>No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/11/08/job_interview_must_have_gsoh~3263216/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifepeopleentertainmentmannershttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/11/08/job_interview_must_have_gsoh~3263216/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/31/relationship_help_as_easy_as~3222589/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-10-31:/2007/10/31/relationship_help_as_easy_as~3222589/Wed, 31 Oct 2007 08:56:57 +0100 <p>Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. </p> <p>The medicine man invites Harry into his teepee and they sit around the fire. The medicine man says, "White man - I can cure this problem." </p> <p>That said, he throws a white powder into the a flames, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is heap powerful medicine. You can ONLY use this once a year. All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and your love-stick shall rise for as long as you wish!" </p> <p>Harry asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" </p> <p>The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But, BE WARNED -- it will not work again for ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR!" </p> <p>Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." </p> <p>He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?" </p> <p>And that, my friends, is a very good reason why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/31/relationship_help_as_easy_as~3222589/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentdoctorsold-agelifepeoplewomenhttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/31/relationship_help_as_easy_as~3222589/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/29/make_a_living_will_before_it_s_too_late~3211496/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-10-29:/2007/10/29/make_a_living_will_before_it_s_too_late~3211496/Mon, 29 Oct 2007 08:13:33 +0100 <p>MY LIVING WILL</p> <p>Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."</p> <p>So she got up, pushed me off the sofa, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine. </p> <p>She's such a bitch!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/29/make_a_living_will_before_it_s_too_late~3211496/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentold-agemannerslifewomentelevisionpeopledoctorshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/29/make_a_living_will_before_it_s_too_late~3211496/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/28/racist_joke_don_t_mention_the_war~3209546/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-10-28:/2007/10/28/racist_joke_don_t_mention_the_war~3209546/Sun, 28 Oct 2007 20:18:00 +0100 <p>Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. </p> <p>The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It's-a illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." </p> <p>"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver</p> <p>"Quatro meansa four!"replies the Italian official.</p> <p>"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly.. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons".</p> <p> "You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and therefore-a youarra breaking da law".</p> <p> The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot dumkopf!" Call your supervisor over, I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"</p> <p> "Sorry" replies the Italian officer, "He cant'a come, he's-a busy with da 2 guys in da Uno!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/28/racist_joke_don_t_mention_the_war~3209546/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>drivingentertainmentpeopleholidayscarshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/28/racist_joke_don_t_mention_the_war~3209546/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/25/for_ducks_sake_watch_your_step~3194748/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-10-25:/2007/10/25/for_ducks_sake_watch_your_step~3194748/Thu, 25 Oct 2007 19:14:16 +0200 <p>Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.</p> <p>When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'</p> <p>So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.</p> <p>Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.</p> <p>St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'</p> <p>The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.</p> <p>The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.</p> <p>She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.</p> <p>St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.</p> <p>The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'</p> <p>The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!' </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/25/for_ducks_sake_watch_your_step~3194748/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentpeoplelifewomenreligionhttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/25/for_ducks_sake_watch_your_step~3194748/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/22/worry_the_true_nature_of_parenting~3176168/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-10-22:/2007/10/22/worry_the_true_nature_of_parenting~3176168/Mon, 22 Oct 2007 11:38:00 +0200 <p>Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel nothing?</p> <p>When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage." My Dad, who was with me, just smiled faintly and said nothing.</p> <p>When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My Dad, when I told him, just smiled faintly and said nothing.</p> <p>When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry,in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults." My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.</p> <p>By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.</p> <p>My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my Dad's warm smile and his occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"</p> <p>Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life? </p> <p>One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried."<br> I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/22/worry_the_true_nature_of_parenting~3176168/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>peoplelifekidsold-agehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/22/worry_the_true_nature_of_parenting~3176168/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/11/anyone_for_a_quicky_in_the_bushes~3120762/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-10-11:/2007/10/11/anyone_for_a_quicky_in_the_bushes~3120762/Thu, 11 Oct 2007 18:36:14 +0200 <p>There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.</p> <p>They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.</p> <p>The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing hot summers and miserable winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've always wished to do the most."</p> <p>The naked man looks at the nude woman, she looks at him. They both smile as they realise they have but a single thought between them.</p> <p>Then they jump off their plinths and go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and there is much straining and giggling.</p> <p>After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing and looking very pleased with themselves.</p> <p>The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"</p> <p>The naked man statue asks the woman "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, <u>I'll</u> hold the pigeon down<br> and <u>you</u> shit on its head!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/11/anyone_for_a_quicky_in_the_bushes~3120762/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentlifehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/11/anyone_for_a_quicky_in_the_bushes~3120762/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/02/out_of_the_mouths_of_babes~3074197/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-10-02:/2007/10/02/out_of_the_mouths_of_babes~3074197/Tue, 02 Oct 2007 18:37:06 +0200 <p>Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating theatre ... the first surgeries of the day.</p> <p>The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"<br> The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a bit nervous." </p> <p>The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."</p> <p>The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"<br> The first kid says, "A circumcision."</p> <p>"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck mate. I had that done when I was born ... Couldn't walk for a year!!"</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/02/out_of_the_mouths_of_babes~3074197/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifepeopleentertainmentdoctorskidshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/10/02/out_of_the_mouths_of_babes~3074197/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/agony_uncle_your_questions_answered~2989720/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-09-16:/2007/09/16/agony_uncle_your_questions_answered~2989720/Sun, 16 Sep 2007 18:43:27 +0200 <p>During my absence, getting an all-over tan on the Greek island of Kos, I decided to put my mind-boggling experience of psychological and sexual problems to good use and invite all and sundry to write in with the sort of questions you just wouldn't ask your Mum.</p> <p>The response so far has been under-whelming, but today a letter flooded in from a worried blogger. (name and address witheld for obvious reasons) It reads:</p> <p><em>Dear Sazfella,</p> <p>I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.</p> <p>I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."</p> <p>I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.</p> <p>Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.</p> <p>Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?</p> <p>Signed,</p> <p>Reg Butterswill<br> 23 Letsby Avenue<br> Scrungethorpe</em></p> <p>Note from Sazfella:<br> If anyone else has any problems (sexual difficulties, you think you are going nuts, etc., etc.) please send them to me in strictest confidence. I promise to keep ridicule to a minimum and only publish on my personal blog here, which hardly ever gets read anyway. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/agony_uncle_your_questions_answered~2989720/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>peoplewomenentertainmentlifehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/09/16/agony_uncle_your_questions_answered~2989720/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/24/l_plates_for_cookery_lessons~2862241/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-08-24:/2007/08/24/l_plates_for_cookery_lessons~2862241/Fri, 24 Aug 2007 12:39:31 +0200 <p>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. </p> <p>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.</p> <p>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" </p> <p>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" </p> <p>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/24/l_plates_for_cookery_lessons~2862241/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>grumpylifemannerspeoplewomendrivinghttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/24/l_plates_for_cookery_lessons~2862241/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/23/only_men_should_buy_lottery_tickets~2858211/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-08-23:/2007/08/23/only_men_should_buy_lottery_tickets~2858211/Thu, 23 Aug 2007 18:07:09 +0200 <p>One evening, a man came home from work, and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." </p> <p>So he tied her up and went out drinking with his mates.</p> <p>A few nights later the man was at home slouched on the sofa watching football when his wife came home. She screeched her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" </p> <p>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff, touring stuff, or ski stuff?"</p> <p>"I don't care," she said. "Just get out!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/23/only_men_should_buy_lottery_tickets~2858211/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifemoneywomenmannersentertainmentpubpeoplehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/23/only_men_should_buy_lottery_tickets~2858211/#commentshttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/15/popularity_contest~2810730/tag:sazfella.blog.co.uk,2007-08-15:/2007/08/15/popularity_contest~2810730/Wed, 15 Aug 2007 08:06:06 +0200 <p>A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?"</p> <p>So the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street.<br> So they go outside and see someone coming up to the bar and he says "Hey Benny how are things going?". </p> <p>Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this."<br> Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" </p> <p>So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says "Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope."<br> So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes back down to the square and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" </p> <p>His buddy says "No, somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/15/popularity_contest~2810730/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifepubreligionentertainmentpeoplehttp://sazfella.blog.co.uk/2007/08/15/popularity_contest~2810730/#comments