Report No.9 ... The race will start from outside Marks and Spencers Lingerie Department. Seats will be provided for gentlemen.

See previous post ...

More later ...

Report No.8 ... The Doubledee Cup began in 1799 (or was it 1997? ... I always get those two mixed up) when Sir Francis Doubledee single-handedly sailed non-stop round Basingstoke in a home-made go-kart.

He reputedly spent most of his time rowing naked (a la James Crackpot and Ben Feeble) to prevent chafing. Chafing had become a problem due to the fact that his craft was constructed almost entirely from re-cycled fence panels taken (illegally) from Basingstoke Municipal Dump.

During his histeric voyage, Sir Francis spent much of his time in The Doldrums, a sleazy boozer behind B&Q, after which, in his own words " he nearly cipsazed rinding the Cope of Good Hape".

He was welcomed home by a crowd of several Basingstokians who had turned out of Mothercare following a fire drill. His exploits were fully reported on page 3 of the Sun newspaper, but failed to catch the public's attention.

He died a pauper, having twice won the lottery in one week and in a state of intoxication entered Basingstoke Casino and put £7,354,786.43 on Green.

This year BRAS (Basingstoke Residents Association (South)) is reviving the competition for the Doubledee Cup. Entrants must be over 18 months. Bring your own sou'wester. Emergency flares provided. All go-karts must have a valid MOT certificate and insurance cover for Public Indecency.

More later ...

Report No.7 ... I just popped out to see old Mr Elgin (I told you he was losing his marbles). His artificial leg has developed housemaids knee so he can't get out much, but he's still determinded to organise the Basingstoke Residents Association St. Valentines Disco.

Mr Elgin, bless!, wants to have live music and showed me a list of artists he likes. He was so cut up when I broke the news to him about Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper. My wireless hasn't been working for a while he sobbed.

I suddenly noticed he had today's copy of "Variety" propping up the leg of the coffee table. I excitedly pulled it out, and ignoring the upset cups and the tea dripping on Scruffy the cat, we started thumbing through the pages looking for live bands.

What about those new lads, "The Coaches", said Mr Elgin. No I said, they're on tour. The "White Lions"? Too middle of the road. "The Cars"? Mostly into garage these days. Hey!, what about "Titanic", they should go down well! No, I cry every time I hear 'Abide with me'. "The Prodigals"? Maybe, I hear they're making a come-back ...

We went on like this into the wee small hours of tea-time when Meals-on-Wheels arrived to sponge Mr Elgin down, change his bag and give him his dinner. He offered to share it with me but they only had one straw.

As I put on my cycle clips at Mr Elgin's front gate I felt confident that the BRAS St Valentines Disco would be a rip-roaring success.

More later ...

Report No.6 ... The phone has been ringing all day with Basingstoke residents giving me new items for tonight's agenda. I keep telling them I have this Norovirus sickness and might not go to the meeting, but they still want me to bring things up!

Someone reported that work has come to a halt, yet again, on the new B&Q DIY store on the edge of town. Apparently when the workmen opened the box to start putting up the new building they found several bits missing!

Another asked about the mystery buyer who has put in a planning application to build a turkey farm between our two churches, St Bernards and St Mathews. The applicants strongest case seems to be that "Basingstoke needs more turkeys". The Residents Committee think that's a poultry excuse!

Bill Stickers, from Getchrone Way, just told me that posters are going up all over town advertising a bare-knuckle wrestling match between "Crusher" Grape and "Mighty" Dewitt. I assured him the Basingstoke Residents Association South (BRAS)are totally opposed to violence of any sort and will fight to the death to have this match stopped.

More later ...

Report No.5 ... Some tragic news. After last nights meeting of BRAS, Melody Singer and her boyfriend went for a bit of dogging in Basingstoke Woods. Coming home in the car down Longist Drive by the golf course they ran into an old friend. All three had to be cut from the wreckage and rushed to hospital. The two men later died, but Melody lingers on.

Anyway, on a lighter note, Mrs Goatsbottom has been on the NHS waiting list
for two years for an emergency strapacoctomy. She is finally to go in next Tuesday for the operation at Basingstoke Home for Incurables, run by the Sisters of Murphy.Get well soon Mrs G!

Finally the Committee members of Basingstoke Residents Association Southern
branch (BRAS) welcomes another new member, a german lady, Gerda Hell, who recently moved in to number 1239a Short Lane.

More later ...

Report No.4 ... An emergency meeting of BRAS (Basingstoke Residents Association Southern branch) has been called for tonight in Melody Singer's kitchen to discuss a matter of some concern to the health of the residents.

There are rumours, as yet unconfirmed, of an outbreak of severe flatulence in North Basingstoke. Doctor Spatula, our local GP, has promised to let us know if he gets wind of anything.

We are all looking forward to meeting another new committee member tonight.
Ida Down is manageress of Basingstoke Beds. I'm told she is a pillar of the community.

On the fundraising side, Frank Lee-Speaking, another new member, has promised to donate the proceeds of the sale on eBay of all his autograph books including his most prized possession; a signed photograph of Homer Simpson.

More later ...

Report No.3 ... Last night's meeting of BRAS (Basingstoke Residents Association Southern Branch) continued apace.

Fundraising is going to be a constant issue and we must actively seek contributions from the residents. Arthur Scabtree, president of the B.U.M. (Basingstoke Union of Mineworkers), said he would encourage his members to dig deep.

Someone suggested we should get permission from the Authorities to hold a Charity Kite Flying Competition on Basingstoke Common. Councillor Waugh said he would see if he could pull a few strings.

Plans are already well under way for a Residents St. Valentines Disco. Mr Elgin (not got all his marbles, poor chap) has volunteered to run it. Some of us have reservations. He keeps referring to it as the St. Vitus Dance.

The meeting ended abruptly when the Secretary, Hugh Jarce, announced he was leaving early to go to Fat Fighters. He didn't want to miss the post-Christmas weigh-in as it was always a good laugh!

After he left there was much more room in Melody Singer's kitchen so we all relaxed for a while and she served up a light supper of baked bean sandwiches and peppermint tea.

More later ...

Report No. 2 ... The Basingstoke Residents Association Southern branch (BRAS)is still growing. Our ranks are swelling.

At last night's meeting, several new members turned up. Of particular note was Mrs Shilpa Yamani. Mrs Yamani is one of the rich and famous Andover Yamanis, some of whose ancestors were highwaymen.

The Yamanis came over from Arabia after the collapse of the sand castle market in '69. Shilpa's grandfather was Count Yamani, head of his country's Treasury Department and her great-grandfather was the benevolent Sheikh Yamani, who always had his hand in his pocket for charity.

Two more new members were PC Applecart and his wife. PC Applecart is our local Community Bobby and Mrs Applecart is chair of the Keep Basingstoke Clean movement. We must all be careful not to upset the Applecarts!

During the meeting there were reports of a large pot-hole opening up in the middle of the road in Losture Way. PC Applecart said he would look into it.

More later ...

Report No.1 ... My first encounter with BRAS was very uplifting.
BRAS, or to give it its full name, Basingstoke Residents Association (South), was established early in 2008 by two of my neighbours in Letsby Avenue, Mrs Goatsbottom and Melody Singer.

The association is growing daily and now has four members all of whom are on the committee.

The aim of BRAS is to keep abreast of outstanding issues in the local community and support the residents of Basingstoke South, so long as they pay their subscriptions.

Meetings take place on an ad hoc basis or Melody Singer's kitchen table whichever is available, and can get quite heated, especially if Ms Singer is boiling her partner's underpants on the gas stove at the time.

Items on the agenda range from wheelie bin collections to dog nuisance.

When it comes to dog mess, Mrs Goatsbottom, always puts her foot down.

Mr Scumdudgeon, who lives at number 24, next to the Cockroach Sanctuary, has the biggest collection of wheelie bins this side of Cheltenham Spa. He acquired his first bin at the age of seven when he swapped the wing mirrors off his dad's Ford Anglia for it. Since then he's never looked back.

More tomorrow ...

NOMINATED AS THE BEST SHORT JOKE THIS YEAR..........

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet" she replied

A man boarded a plane at Heathrow airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States "

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy."