Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man invites Harry into his teepee and they sit around the fire. The medicine man says, "White man - I can cure this problem."

That said, he throws a white powder into the a flames, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is heap powerful medicine. You can ONLY use this once a year. All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and your love-stick shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Harry asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But, BE WARNED -- it will not work again for ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is a very good reason why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, pushed me off the sofa, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!!

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It's-a illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver

"Quatro meansa four!"replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly.. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons".

"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and therefore-a youarra breaking da law".

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot dumkopf!" Call your supervisor over, I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" replies the Italian officer, "He cant'a come, he's-a busy with da 2 guys in da Uno!"

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage." My Dad, who was with me, just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My Dad, when I told him, just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry,in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults." My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my Dad's warm smile and his occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried."
I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing hot summers and miserable winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've always wished to do the most."

The naked man looks at the nude woman, she looks at him. They both smile as they realise they have but a single thought between them.

Then they jump off their plinths and go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and there is much straining and giggling.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing and looking very pleased with themselves.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

The naked man statue asks the woman "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down
and you shit on its head!"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating theatre ... the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a bit nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck mate. I had that done when I was born ... Couldn't walk for a year!!"