A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

One evening, a man came home from work, and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went out drinking with his mates.

A few nights later the man was at home slouched on the sofa watching football when his wife came home. She screeched her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff, touring stuff, or ski stuff?"

"I don't care," she said. "Just get out!"

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?"

So the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street.
So they go outside and see someone coming up to the bar and he says "Hey Benny how are things going?".

Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this."
Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?"

So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says "Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope."
So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes back down to the square and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?"

His buddy says "No, somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"

At 85 years of age, my Uncle Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year-old.

Since her new husband is so old and getting a little frail, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:

........"You mean I've been here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

Last night I went to a meeting of my local FatFighters Club as they had invited a prominent dietician to give a talk.

There was an exceptionally large audience, in more ways than one!

After the preliminaries the diet doctor was introduced and stood to her feet.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago!" she began, "Red meat is bad for the heart. Alcohol destroys the brain and the liver. Bread, chocolate and crisps are full of fatty acids which perforate the arteries. Potatoes cause imbalance to the blood. Nuts atrophy the spleen. Pork products calcify the muscles and too many vegetables clog the digestive tract to the point where it no longer functions!!"

The dietitian paused for breath and glared accusingly at the audience. The audience stared back in silence, totally gobsmacked.

"BUT!" she continued, "There is one thing that is most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone tell me what that lethal, deadly product is?

The audience looked hestitantly about, looking for someone to answer. Then at the back of the hall a very sad looking, down-trodden man slowly stood up.

"You sir," waved the dietitian, "What do you think is the deadly food that is killing so many of us?"

The man gulped, "Wedding cake??"