My nephew Boris is keen to set himself up as a Motor Trader. He has aquired a lock-up garage in the seedier part of Basingstoke with a couple of spanners and a large jack. He tells me he needs Motor Trade Insurance in case he buggers up someones car while using it to go to the pub overnight. He has been more or less on the straight and narrow ever since he was released from Wormwood Scrubs and wants to earn a living to supplement his benefits. He has approached a number of companies claiming to offer Motor Trade Insurance but as yet to no avail. He keeps asking around for motor trade insurance quotations but no one wants to know!!

I've been making some enquiries about Motor Trade Insurance on Boris's behalf. One large well known insurance company said on the phone that they could send us a motor trade insurance quotation form but would have to ask some questions first. These are some of the questions asked, and Boris's answers:

Q - How long have you had a driving licence?

A - Since my release (provisional, test applied for)

Q - Do you want Combined Motor Trade Insurance or just Road Risks?

A - Just enough to satisfy the Old Bill

Q - Will the Motor Trade Insurance apply to any other driver?

A - Only my mate when he picks cars up from Auction but he will always have "L" plates and usually his dad will be with him.

Q - Do you sell cars and if so how large are your premises?

A - Yes, and the road outside my flats is only partly yellow band and now the council have cleared the burnt out wrecks we have plenty of room.

Boris was getting a bit fed up with this invasion of his privacy by this time and started to tell the "nosey git" at the other end what she could do with her Motor Trade Insurance quotation. However, the Anger Management course he took during his recent detention at Her Majesty's Pleasure, mainly to get out of assembling chip fryers for export to China, kicked in and he settled for ripping the phone cable out of the wall.

We'll try again after BT have been.