I just rang the Muslim Council of Britain.
"Mumble, mumble," said a female voice at the other end.
"Are you by any chance wearing a burkha?" I asked.
"Mumble, mumble."
"Can you take the fekkin' thing off?" I said, "I can't hear you!"
"Mumble, mumble."
"Oh shit! Just put me through to a man, you stupid woman!" I requested politely.
"Hello?" said a male voice.
"Are you a spokesman for the Muslims of Britain?" I asked.
"Yes", said the voice.
"Were you elected to that role?"
"Yes", came the reply.
"Who elected you?" I asked.
"I did! What do you want?"
"I'd like to know your position on hair", I said.
"Male or female?" the voice asked.
"Does it matter?" I said.
"Oh yes!" said the voice, emphatically, "Female hair must be covered at all times."
"And male hair?" I pressed.
"That's fine. All the best muslims have big bushy beards and must show them off with pride!"
"Why is womens hair different?" I asked.
"Because it grows round the genitals!" whispered the voice in disgust.
"Now I understand!" I replied. "That's why whenever I see a muslim woman wearing a veil, she's usually got a big hairy prick in front of her!!"