As soon as Tony Blair stepped down as Prime Minister he rang his pal George Bush and said, "Before I go and do for the Middle East what I did for this country, I have a few days off. How do you fancy coming over to Britain and we'll go round Middle England and show the people, we're really just a couple of ordinary good guys!"
"Great!", says George Dubya, "We could dress as your everyday English gents, you know, tweed plus-fours, walking sticks, green wellies, deerstalker hats."
"And a dog," says Blair, "We must have a dog ... a Labrador. We'll take it to some country pubs and blend in with the locals."
"I'm on my way!" says Bush.

So a few hours later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the Labrador, went in and walked up to the bar.
"Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood," said Blair.
"Good evening gents," said the landlord, "two pints of best it is coming up"

Blair and Bush stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding knowingly now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The Labrador lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Blair and Bush could stand it no longer and called the barman over. "Look," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds come in and stare under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord, no," said the barman. "it's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes."

Just count the men in the picture. Wait while they shuffle around. Then count again. How many are there??

Am I crazy ... or are you??

Please tell me how its done. PLEEEAAASE!!!

I really can't work it out. Ask your friends. Ask your enemies. Ask ANYONE!!

A new sign in my Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**********

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8 Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Sorry girls! This post is just for the chauvinist pigs!!
Psst! Careful how you comment boys!

I just got back from Alicante, Spain.
On the flight home I was sat next to a guy who, in some polite conversation, said he was a Mormon. After that we didn't speak much.

Eventually, a stewardess came round with a trolley and asked if I would like a drink. I ordered a large Gin and Tonic which was duly passed over to me.

She then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than allow alcohol to pass my lips!"

"Bloody hell!", I said handing my G&T back to the stewardess, "Me too! I didn't realise we had a choice!!"

Does anyone know? Can you get bloggers wrist in your shoulder? Well, my shoulder actually. It's interfering with my squash and I'm looking for an efficacious home remedy, not having much truck with doctors after being drummed out of the NHS. I need something I can safely massage into my moving parts that doesn't smell like sheep dip.

I still have movement in the offending joint, but on the squash court my balls don't clatter against the walls like they used to.

I did get some Ibuprofen tablets, but my parrots et'em all!

Uncle Shamus is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

So Shamus goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Labrador looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

Uncle Shamus is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

My grandson Cornelius gets bullied at school. Nobody can understand why.

One day I was round at his house when he came home from
school obviously very upset. His mother and I asked what was bothering him and he burst into tears. "The other boys call me names," he sobbed.

"Never mind," I said, "if they do that again, just tell them ... sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me!"

Next day they beat the crap out of him! D