An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all
of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright", Martha said.

"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

"Darling ... we're  out  of  milk.  Do  you  mind if  I use  the car  to  pop  out  to get some.  I'll  probably go to the shop, but I'll see  if  I can  bump  into  the  Milkman  on the  way."

Report No.9 ... The race will start from outside Marks and Spencers Lingerie Department. Seats will be provided for gentlemen.

See previous post ...

More later ...

Report No.8 ... The Doubledee Cup began in 1799 (or was it 1997? ... I always get those two mixed up) when Sir Francis Doubledee single-handedly sailed non-stop round Basingstoke in a home-made go-kart.

He reputedly spent most of his time rowing naked (a la James Crackpot and Ben Feeble) to prevent chafing. Chafing had become a problem due to the fact that his craft was constructed almost entirely from re-cycled fence panels taken (illegally) from Basingstoke Municipal Dump.

During his histeric voyage, Sir Francis spent much of his time in The Doldrums, a sleazy boozer behind B&Q, after which, in his own words " he nearly cipsazed rinding the Cope of Good Hape".

He was welcomed home by a crowd of several Basingstokians who had turned out of Mothercare following a fire drill. His exploits were fully reported on page 3 of the Sun newspaper, but failed to catch the public's attention.

He died a pauper, having twice won the lottery in one week and in a state of intoxication entered Basingstoke Casino and put £7,354,786.43 on Green.

This year BRAS (Basingstoke Residents Association (South)) is reviving the competition for the Doubledee Cup. Entrants must be over 18 months. Bring your own sou'wester. Emergency flares provided. All go-karts must have a valid MOT certificate and insurance cover for Public Indecency.

More later ...

Report No.7 ... I just popped out to see old Mr Elgin (I told you he was losing his marbles). His artificial leg has developed housemaids knee so he can't get out much, but he's still determinded to organise the Basingstoke Residents Association St. Valentines Disco.

Mr Elgin, bless!, wants to have live music and showed me a list of artists he likes. He was so cut up when I broke the news to him about Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper. My wireless hasn't been working for a while he sobbed.

I suddenly noticed he had today's copy of "Variety" propping up the leg of the coffee table. I excitedly pulled it out, and ignoring the upset cups and the tea dripping on Scruffy the cat, we started thumbing through the pages looking for live bands.

What about those new lads, "The Coaches", said Mr Elgin. No I said, they're on tour. The "White Lions"? Too middle of the road. "The Cars"? Mostly into garage these days. Hey!, what about "Titanic", they should go down well! No, I cry every time I hear 'Abide with me'. "The Prodigals"? Maybe, I hear they're making a come-back ...

We went on like this into the wee small hours of tea-time when Meals-on-Wheels arrived to sponge Mr Elgin down, change his bag and give him his dinner. He offered to share it with me but they only had one straw.

As I put on my cycle clips at Mr Elgin's front gate I felt confident that the BRAS St Valentines Disco would be a rip-roaring success.

More later ...