Life is a joke that's just begun ...

My nephew Boris was in the pub last night with his mates Alfie and Spider.
"Your round" says Alfie.
"I'm skint" says Boris, "That new credit card really messed me up. I didn't realise you had to pay full price for everythink. I thought 23% APR was the discount you got on stuff you bought."
"So did I," says Spider. Alfie turns pale.
"I'm fousands in debt now," Boris continues, "the Benefits Office said I need insolvency help. I told 'em I don't sniff glue any more."
"If you got money troubles, or you're in debt and need help, you can get one of them Involuntary Contribution Loans, can't you?" says Alfie ordering a drink for himself.
"That's IVA," says Harry the barman putting a pint on the bar.
"Oi! I ordered lager!" says Alfie.
"No! IVA!" says Harry, "It means Individual Voluntary Arrangement. You add up all your debts and offer to pay off a bit a week."
"But that's only for mortgages and car loans, innit?" says Boris. "I live wiv my mum so I'm rent free, and I bought my car on the never-never. Never told 'em where I lived and never paid for it!"
"You need a financial advisor to help you work out a IVA." says Harry. Try Mr Goldstein who runs the Pawn Shop across the way."
"I can't go in there!" says Boris.
"Why not?" someone asks.
"I cheated him once." says Boris, "I once pawned my mum's engagement ring, and never went back for it!"
"You know whose fault all this credit crunch is, don't you?" says Spider.
They all wait for him to say.
"That Gordon Brown!"
"Which one's he?" growls Boris, clenching his fists and looking round the pub menacingly.

Frank, a young American, was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting in Montana. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices … Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

American Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white TV reporter, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The journalist continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the young reporter for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man came to America, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the wise old Indian Chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Jonathan Ross is now in great lumber,
Because I've got his telephone number,
And I'm going to keep ringing,
With the effing, and the singing,
And the shouting, disturbing his slumber!

And I'll tell him he just isn't funny.
And he's certainly not worth that money.
So be a MAN Ross and GO!
And as for your "show"
I'd flush that heap of crap down the dunny!!

Anyone want the number? We could all 'ave a right larf keep ringin' 'im up and slaggin' off 'is kids an' that, innit?!
Us yoof of today gotta be "EDGY", innit!!

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all
of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright", Martha said.

"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"